true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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