I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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