Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Vodka?
Forever.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
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