did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
