totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Randomize
