Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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