we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
