Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
