i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
soo... how was my night?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
