There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
