Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Randomize
