i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
40s are totally the cure
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
