I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
