tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
