God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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