swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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