If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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