U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Randomize
