so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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