Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
