the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
