we're chasing vodka with high fives
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Randomize
