so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
