There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
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