his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
