I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
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yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
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You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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