Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
