I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Randomize
