every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
