you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
She swung at the pinata with crutches
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
