maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Randomize
