Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Randomize
