I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
