I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
