Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
is wine microwaveable?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
