I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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