This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
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