hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
