no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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