I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
