Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
