mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Randomize
