my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
