she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
