proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
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