I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
