made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
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