i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
