Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Randomize