im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Floor bacon is actually really good
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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