I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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