My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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