He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
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