And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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