I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
