my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
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