a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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